


Mistakes

by Bubbly_Kandy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Basically Jere fails junior year, Brief moments of dysphorbia, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-depicrating thoughts, angst then fluff, i got carried away, yeah...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 01:39:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12048639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbly_Kandy/pseuds/Bubbly_Kandy
Summary: This is a gift to Kealpos, because he RUINED ME with his hc about Jeremy failing junior year.Love you, Leo :3





	Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kealpos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kealpos/gifts).



Jeremiah Nikolas Heere is excited for senior year.

Why shouldn’t he be? He is piecing together his relationship with Michael, he has a girlfriend who was the girl of the dreams and is, he admits, very scatter-brained and very impulsive, but he loves her for it, and five new friends who, once you get to know them, are very nice.

He, also, is finally getting medicine. He has anxiety pills, depression pills, and he’s getting therapy for his past and the SQUIP. He feels better, his smiles and laughter aren’t fake, and he can go at least three days without ruthlessly bringing his self-confidence down. 

He can look at himself in the mirror without feeling a sharp surge of revulsion of everything wrong with him, the feeling dulled. He can smile at himself, and he feels more confident in his appearance.

He actually really likes theatre. He got a lead in a play, Crutchie in  _ Newsies,  _ in fact. He was Crutchie,  Christine was Katherine, and some kid named Jordan got the role as Jack Kelly. Jordan had repeatedly said that he felt no attraction towards Christine, despite them having to kiss three times a night for a week. It was a running joke within the theatre family. 

He and Christine had convinced Michael to do Tech, and Michael  _ loved  _ it. He was able to do lights and sound, and couldn’t wait for the next play.

He got help in math. He finds out that, despite already having chronic anxiety, he also has test anxiety. It explains why he gets so nervous in tests, why his mind goes blank, and why he gets below 50% on his tests. Damn SQUIP. 

He is excited for next year, being able to move forward with his friends, being able to forget the events of junior year, and, finally, perhaps make a new life for himself, away from the SQUIP and his mother and his neglect from his dad. 

His dad is better at being, well, a dad. He wears pants, for once, which is a major improvment. He also is getting involved with Jeremy’s life, bringing him to his therapy sessions, learning how to calm Jeremy down from his now frequent panic attacks, and coaching him through his math homework when he gets too frustrated over it.

So, yes. If you asked Jeremiah Nikolas Heere if he liked being alive, he would say yes. However, he still has his nights of feeling disgusted in his own body, repeating insults to himself and scratching mindlessly at his arms, leaving pink lines as evidence of where his nails were. 

He knows he’s never completely, fully healed of his mental illnesses, but he is getting as close as he can get, damn it. He has friends, family, alright grades, and a good life.

So, after nearly two weeks of being out of school, he is, understandably, excited to start planning his schedule for senior year. 

It’s a warm, muggy day in the middle of June. Jeremy is hanging out at home, wearing loose clothing and lounging on the couch, flicking through channels and finally landing on Netflix, where he watched a little bit of Supernatural.

His phone buzzes once the time turns to 3:00, then he hears the UPS bus leave, and he pauses the episode, gets up from the couch, wipes the sweat from his forehead with his shirt, then walks outside, going to the mailbox and yanking open the door, grabbing a handful of letters of varying sizes. He flips through the handful as he walks back inside.

One catches his eye. It’s in a manilla folder, but it’s not very thick. Jeremy looks curiously at it, because it says in name in cursive on the front and it’s from his school.

“What the-?” He mumbles, plopping the rest of the mail on the coffee table, then goes upstairs to his room, ripping the manilla folder open with one of his pens. 

He takes out the letter, and starts to read the page, not expecting anything drastic. However, it is drastic, and when he processes the words on the page, his mind goes blank, his heart falls, and he can feel the blood drain out of his face.

Jeremiah Nikolas Heere had failed junior year.

Jeremiah Heere holds the letter with the damning news in his shaking hands, his chest feeling empty and light and heavy at the same time, tears brimming in his eyes.

Jeremy Heere failed junior year, and he’s not moving forward. He’s not going to go to senior year, he’s going to be left behind _. _

Jeremy hates himself for being a disappointment.

_ Disappointment. _

The word rang through his mind.  _ Disappointment. Failure. Horrible. Terrible. Everything about you-  _

He drops the letter, the paper unfairly and strangely light and feathery despite the heavy message that it held within the white, uncreased paper.  _ Failed.  _ He numbly sits on his bed, his lip starting to tremble in a stupidly  _ feminine  _ and  _ girly  _ way, his eyes filled with burning tears  _ like a girl _ and his chest stops feeling so empty and feels like it collapses, and it  _ hurts  _ and he- 

A tear falls, landing on his palm. He stares at the clear dome, the rest of the tears making his vision watery. He hears the door open.

“Son?” His dad calls.

The dam breaks, and an absolutely  _ ugly  _ cry rips out of his chest, the knot in his throat tightening. He curls forward, sobs tumbling past his lips and words clog his mind  _ failure horrible awful no one loves you failure you’re not good enough failure failure failure  _

There’s a thumping up the stairs, then his dad is in the doorway, looking concerned at his seventeen-year-old son who is currently wailing his heart out. He steps closer, and Jeremy only cries louder because  _ your dad didn’t fail junior year, you mom didn’t fail, MICHAEL didn’t fail, only you did you absolute disgrace  _

“Hey, what’s wrong, private?” His dad asks, and he doesn’t suspect anything, probably had a wonderful day at work and Jeremy is ruining it  _ all,  _ and his dad is going to disown him because he’s  _ horrible-  _

“I can’t disown you if I don’t know what I’m disowning you for,” Mister Heere says, smiling, going and sitting by his son’s side. Jeremy wants to be embarrassed that his father heard him, but he can’t muster up enough energy to. “What happened? Was it something between you and Christine?” 

Jeremy shakes his head no, already getting a headache. He absolutely adores his girlfriend, don’t get him wrong, but now even thinking about Christine makes him want to scream and sob even more because  _ she passed junior year and you didn’t YOU DIDN’T  _

“I-” Jeremy starts, his voice choked off by tears. “I g-got-” Jeremy spots the letter on the ground, and nudges it towards his dad, sniffing pathetically as his dad picks it up, smoothes out the non-existent wrinkles, and starts reading. Jeremy closes his eyes, the blue orbs sore and aching. His head aches dully. 

Then his dad hisses through his teeth, and Jeremy bawls anew. 

“Dad, I’m-” Jeremy coughs, clearing the gunk out of his throat, “D-dad, I’m so-” his father puts down the paper, letting it fall to the floor. He’s eerily silent, which makes Jeremy only more panicked. “Dad, I-” 

“Why?” His dad asks, softly and calmly. Jeremy freezes, his thoughts squealing to a stop.

He could lie.  _ Oh, I didn’t study, I was playing video games, I wasn’t paying attention in class  _ but that’s not the truth. He  _ did  _ study, he  _ barely  _ played video games, and he  _ was  _ paying attention in class. He has no excuse.

“I- I-” His bottom lip quivers, and he bites it. “I studied an’ I payed attention and I-” Tears start dripping again, his chest tightening again. “I don’t- I don’t know why I failed,” he whispers pathetically, waiting for the inevitable lecture he’s going to get. He cringes, remembering his mother, screaming at him  _ I don’t know isn’t an excuse,  _ and then the SQUIP saying  _ Jeremy, the answer ‘I don’t know’ is only going to lead people to believe that you know,  _ and-

His dad only pulls him into a hug, Jeremy’s face buried into his shoulder. Jeremy is so shocked, he doesn’t move. Then, slowly, he starts to sob again.

“It’s okay, Jeremy,” his dad tells him, and Jeremy lets go. 

He feels like he’s five years old again, and he had scraped his knee or someone was mean or his mom had hit him over the head and he ran into his father’s arms for comfort.

“D-dad-” His fragile composure shatters like glass when his dad runs his hand up and down on his arm, soothing him. "Daddy, I'm sorry," Jeremy whimpers into his father's shoulder, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" 

Mister Heere can physically feel his heart break when he hears his son, the one who used to call him by Paul, his real name, resort to saying ‘daddy.’ The last time Jeremy had called him that, Jeremy was seven.

"Hey, it's okay," Mister Heere whispers, stroking the hair back from his son's face. "We all make mistakes. We just gotta get through it, alright?" 

Jeremy sniffs, his cheeks itchy from his tears. "But I failed," Jeremy whines, his eyes filling with water again. "I-I failed junior year! Daddy, what am I gonna  _ do _ ?" 

“You’re going to retake junior year, and then you’re going to go into senior year. Easy as that.” Mister Heere sums up, Jeremy’s shoulders starting to shake again.

“But- But Christine and Michael and Rich an’ Jake an’ Chloe an’- an’ Brooke and Jenna are all going be in college, an’ I’m gonna be held back-” Jeremy inhales and exhales shakily. “An’ Michael was so _ excited  _ for us goin’ to college together-”

“And you will,” His father says firmly, making eye contact with Jeremy. “It’ll just be a year later than the rest.” 

“‘M gonna miss them,” Jeremy whispers, his throat and head both pounding. He feels so  _ little  _ and  _ weak  _ and  _ pathetic  _ and  _ awful, awful, awful-  _

“Hey, just because they’re going to college doesn’t mean they disappear on you,” Mister Heere jokes. “You can still invite them all over, you know.” 

“I guess,” Jeremy relents. Silence, then, “I’m sorry I’m such a failure.” 

“Woah, there, partner.” Mister Heere says. “You aren’t a failure. Junior year is the hardest year in high school, lemme tell you.” 

“But I  _ am  _ a failure,” Jeremy says, falling back into the void of his self-hatred. “ _ I  _ took the SQUIP,  _ I  _ ruined the school musical,  _ I  _ always made mom mad,  _ I  _ made mom l-leave,  _ I-”  _

“No, no, no, be quiet, stop talking.” Mister Heere demands, and Jeremy closes his mouth. “You did make a mistake, yes. And sometimes, you are a little shit.” If Jeremy wasn’t so tired, he would’ve been offended. “But you have never had a kid who basically said ‘screw you’ to gender assumptions, who is still a space nerd even at  _ seventeen-”  _ Jeremy huffs out a laugh here, “And you never had a kid who is so independent of their parents, that they can fix most any meal out there. You’ve never had a kid who, somehow, made friends with the most anti-social kid on the playground-”

“Don’t make fun of Michael.” Jeremy scolds. Mister Heere laughs.

“I’m not. I love Michael like he’s my own son, you know that. Let me continue. You’ve never had a kid who, despite having anxiety and depression, hiked through everyday without breaking under the pressure. Hell, you’ve never had a kid who, despite his before-mentioned anxiety, stood onstage and preformed a main part in a play!” Jeremy’s father laughs. “Jeremiah, you are my son. And, no matter what, I will always be proud of you.” 

Jeremy smiles, his eyes still teary. He wraps his arms around his dad, sighing through his nose.

“Thanks, dad.” 

“You’re welcome, bud.” His father hugs him back, and Jeremy relishes in the warmth. He’s missed this.

Jeremiah Nikolas Heere failed junior year.

Jeremiah Heere has mental issues.

Jeremy Heere didn’t have a good childhood.

  
But, despite that, Jeremy is happy.


End file.
